Saturday, 26 March 2011

Gamings Biggest Blow Hards Exposed

Michael Pachter , Peter Molyneux, Cliff Blezinski, Aaron Greenberg, David Jaffe

I’m going to take a close look at some of gaming’s... er... ‘outspoken’ personalities and ask the question on everyone’s lips, will they ever shut the frack up?

First up is gaming’s very own mystic astrologist, Michael Pachter. Every now and then, when the planets are aligned and the aura of the world shines through the ether, Pachter will make a correct prediction. However after a short analysis you tend to realise that it was so painfully obvious it makes you wonder what he actually does for a living... and how can I get a similar job. Pachter, the power of Jupitus informs me that Uranus needs a rest.

Name: Michael ‘guestimate’ Pachter
Age: 923 in gamer years
Special Powers: An uncanny ability to state the obvious and the power to pull predictions from the deepest recesses of his ass
Quotes: “[Microsoft is] trying to turn this into the Cabbage Patch Kids ...It's brilliant marketing.”
“Every now and then a company will come up with something really innovative and they'll sequel it to death.”
“Clever and different and new doesn't necessarily work unless you convince consumers that they really want it.”

* * * * *

Peter Molyneux, never in the history of man has somebody ridden the wave of his past accomplishments so far while simultaneously trumpeting his new underwhelming endeavours. It seems like every game coming from Lionhead studios these days has to compete with its own myth, thanks to Peters annoying habit of hyping every little facet of the game beyond what is possible to achieve. Please be quiet and go invent us another genre.

Name Peter ‘hyperbole’ Molyneux
Age: Been around since ‘the beginning’
Special Powers: He can tap into the mystic power of the hype force to generate hype for things that will never make it into the actual game, or probably any game.
Quotes: “"It's you Americans. There's something about nipples you hate. If this were Germany, we'd be romping around naked on the stage here.”
“I can tell you definitively that there is absolutely an acorn and it does absolutely grow into a tree. And it is actually part of the story now. We decided we got into so much trouble over acorns and trees that we are going to make it part of the main thread of the story in Fable 2″

* * * * *

Clifford Blezinski or ‘Cliffy B’ if you’re down with the kids, still thinks he’s in the schoolyard. It’s like he’s grown older but stayed the same mentally. This emotional immaturity is excellent for creating games with absolutely no deep thought that appeal to gaming’s biggest audience, adolescent boys. The next new IP involving young Clifford will likely be a hide and seek simulator. There are lot of clever techies behind the engine at Epic games but Clifford just isn’t one of them. Keep talking Cliffy my boy, one day you will hit puberty.

Name: Clifford Micheal ‘Jazz Jackrabbit’ Blezinski aka Cliffy B... er... dizzle.
Age: Physically 36, mentally 12-14ish.
Special Powers: The ability to be the mouthpiece of Epic games in the US and keep a ‘neutral’ stance, while simultaneously bashing the Playstation brand and anything with emotional maturity.
Quotes: “There's a fine line between a landlord and a pimp.”
“There aren't enough gay characters in videogames. That's right, I said it.”
“Japan can’t keep up”
“Forget 40 virgins, they should promise those terrorist idiots Katy Perry naked on a cloud.”

* * * * *

Shh, can you hear that? That’s the call of a very rare bird, the Aaron Greenbird. It only comes out at night after favourable Xbox NPD numbers are released. Its squawk is high pitched and annoying but can instantly be silenced by reminding it that its nest is not the only place in the world. When confronted with worldwide sales figures its fat, balding head disappears up its own arse to only return when it’s sure there’s something to spin.

Name: Aaron ‘SALES!’ Greenburg
Age: 5-6 bird years.
Special Powers: Extraordinarily high levels of unjustified smug shoot from his face when he is feeling threatened. The power to spin numbers like a mathematical DJ on crack.
Quotes: “We've been in talks with movie studios and record labels, and they know, we've got this great primarily male, 18- to 34-year-old demographic, which is highly sought after for them.”
“For us, our bet was on digital distribution, that was the future - the ability to [play] 1080p movies with no disc, no download required; we have the largest movie and TV library, the largest HD library of any console."
“Since folks have asked, all systems had a great 2009, but US NPD console HW for 2009 shows Xbox 360 at 4.8M vs 4.3M for PS3.”

* * * * *

Last but not least is David Jaffe, the foul-mouthed ‘bad boy’ of development circles. The only thing he hates more than Xbox fanboys is gaming media’s attempts to misquote or misinterpret his ramblings. As founder of development studio Eat, Sleep, Play he knows how to make a good game, however he might need to work on his people skills if he wants to win over the media for his upcoming Twisted Metal title on PS3.

Name: David ‘go f%&k yourself’ Jaffe
Special Powers: The unique ability to tell his true feelings in interviews. The power to cause controversy using twitter and other social media outlets.
Quotes: “In the gaming world, it's rare that a sequel equals, let alone eclipses the original, but I think this is going to be the exception to the rule in terms of quality, game play and story.”
“I'd rather fail and try than just make another racing game.”
“It sucks to lose every...single...award you're up for. It hurts!”

There you have it, the industry's biggest loudmouths exposed. They (some of them) give us great games and we're very grateful but, like the fart that just won't go away, it's time they kept their waffle holes shut for a while.

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